Miscarriage. Pregnancy. Postpartum. Motherhood. (Part 1)

Welcome!

Let me give you a little of a background about my journey through miscarriage, pregnancy, postpartum and motherhood. It all started June 2016, we just decided to go off birth control so we can start our family. We were ready to take the next step and dive right into parenthood. During this time Conner, my husband, had started the process to leave the Coast Guard and hopefully join the Maine State Police. We were trying but not too worried about whether it happened right away or not. In November 2016, we moved out of our home and stayed with family as Conner excepted a job with the MSP. By now it had been seven months of being off birth control and nothing was happening. 

In January 2017, Conner would start the police academy, where he would be gone Monday- Friday until May and then again from mid July until  mid September. We knew our chances of getting pregnant now were less likely. Long story short, in February 2018, after almost two years of trying we decided something needed to be done. I saw a gynecologist and discussed our options. I would get testing done in March as long as my period came. Spoiler, it didn't, but I wasn't pregnant. So we didn't get testing done and we decided to take a break and in September 2018 if we were pregnant by then, then we would do testing. September came and we were going on vacation to Florida, so tested was pushed back one more month. If my period came in October we would go do testing. We were ready to find out what was going on. October 26th came and my period didn't. 

Surprise! I was pregnant. Shock. Happiness. Joy. Everything you could imagine had run through my mind. With tears of joy, I woke Conner up and told him. We were ecstatic! We set up a dating ultrasound for November 8th. We told our parents, siblings and a few close friends. During the week of November 7th- 9th, I miscarried our baby. Heartbroken. Why? Why would this happen to us. Why, after all these years of trying and finally getting pregnant, why would this happen? I was confused, unsure of what to do next. Mourning the loss of our baby, the pregnancy, the future that was taken from us. We decided we would still continue to try, we didn't know how long it would take us to get pregnant again, so the decision was to wait for one period cycle then try again. We did. 

In January 2019, missed period. We were pregnant again! Overjoyed. Scared. Thrilled but so worried that it would happen again. We told our parents and siblings, we wanted to celebrate this pregnancy no matter how long it lasted. Weeks went by and we had our first appointment and ultrasound at ten weeks. Everything was great! The heart beat was strong and my heart was so happy. I was unsure about how to feel, even though I was so happy for another chance at motherhood and growing a baby, I couldn't help but think about our first pregnancy, our first baby. But I decided to let myself grieve what was lost and know that without that loss, I would not be pregnant with this child. This was the reason we had to experience a miscarriage, or at least that's what I told myself to believe. 

We decided to wait til after twelve weeks to let the world know about the little bundle of joy that would join our family in September. Pregnancy was pretty good to me. Besides the 

constant stress of worry about another loss. No one understands what it's like to experience a pregnancy after loss unless they have walked through that experience. Unfortunately, many women have walked through it, more than once. Some more than they can count on one hand. We as women have been told that it was "taboo" to talk about miscarriage. Many women carry the loss of their baby, the future that they have planned and dreamed about, without having anyone to talk to. We are so worried to discuss our loss for fear of thinking what someone else might think, or how they'll react to us talking about it. It needs to be talked about, as long as you are comfortable sharing your loss, discussing your loss(es) can help you grieve and more forward. Maybe, just maybe we will feel less alone. Whether it's talking about infertility, miscarriage, postpartum or motherhood. We can help other women and be there to encourage them through their journey.

So come along as we discuss and talk about my journey through all this this we call motherhood, together!  

 Thanks for following along!

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