Miscarriage. Pregnancy. Postpartum. Motherhood. (Part 2)

 Pregnancy. 

Physically, mentally and emotionally pregnancy can take a toll on your body. I was so thrilled and excited to be pregnant, the first and second time. Although, pregnancy after loss is stressful and scary. Your every thought is making sure the baby is okay. Every appointment your heart races as you wait patiently for your OB to find the heartbeat. Once you start feeling the baby move, you make sure you always feel their movement, their kicks before going to bed.
For me, I didn't automatically feel the connection with the tiny miracle in my belly. I was too afraid to connect for fear of the worse happening. What if I miscarried again? What if shes not growing right? What if there's something wrong with her? What if I lose her late in the pregnancy? What if I lose her at birth? I hated feeling and thinking these thoughts. I wanted to really enjoy my pregnancy, I wanted to be overjoyed by every movement and connect with my baby instantly. I felt like the worst person in the world. How could I not connect with my child, the child that I had prayed and hoped for, for the last two years? I couldn't even settle on a name, the name that we agreed would be our first daughters name. I thought, "What if that first child was supposed to be AUBREY? What if this child shouldn't be named that?" I waited until after she was born to agree to the name. Even then, I was still unsure. All of these thoughts and feelings are okay. You're allowed to be worried. You're allowed to not connect automatically with your unborn child. You're not a bad person. None of those thought or emotions make you a bad person.
My pregnancy, physically, was pretty easy for the most part. I had a lot of hip and thigh pregnancy from early on. I slept on my sides starting around 14 weeks. My thighs would be numb when I woke up. I didn't have much nausea, no morning sickness, just threw up when I got the stomach bug from working in a child care facility. I did get lightheaded and dizzy some mornings, and I had to cut coffee out from about 14 weeks on.. which really sucked. I gained more weight than I wanted, especially in my third trimester.
Besides the stress, the one thing that really affected my pregnancy, just as much as stress, was being ashamed of my new body. How could someone who WANTED and PRAYED to get pregnant, hate her pregnant body? Mostly because you see the perfect pregnant body in magazines, in movies and tv. I didn't feel like I was glowing, I felt like I was HUGE. My thighs and my butt grew so much more than I expected. My boobs, basically grew a size before my milk even came in. I hated thinking that my body, that was growing my baby, was "gross." My body was creating life and I hated looking myself in the mirror. I wish that I could go back and tell myself that it's okay. It's okay that you're gaining more weight than you expected. Your body is creating life. It's doing what its supposed to be doing in that moment. You look great, you are going to lose some of that weight. Maybe not all of it, but give your body grace. 
I wish that when I was pregnant I had someone who went through what I did to talk to. I know I had a lot of women around me who may have gone through what I did, but sometimes you're afraid to reach out because you don't want to invade in someone's personal experience. What if they don't want to share their emotions, their loss. I wish we could talk about how we feel during these emotional times, without fear of being judged. Without thinking that these topics are taboo. That our feelings and emotions aren't validated, that those emotions are wrong. I wish we could be more open to the world, if we wanted to, with our feelings as we go through these stages. I'm here to say, I'm here. I'm here to sit and listen as you go through those stages.